Stan: "If you had a face like mine you'd punch me right in the nose. And I'm just the fella who could do it!"
The Fixer Uppers -- 1935

Ollie: "By the way, you know how to milk a goat, don't you?"
Stan: "Sure, just the same as milkin' a cow. You hold the cup in this hand, you take the other hand by the tail and you go like that (pumps arm up and down). See, simple, unless of course you're left handed, you hold the cup in the other hand . . ."
Saps at Sea -- 1940

Ollie: "Who were you talkin' to?"
Stan: "I was talkin' to Fanny."
Ollie: " What'd she say?"
Stan: "She said we can't go out tonight, that we have to go straight home."
Ollie: "Why?"
Stan: "She's got a surprise for you."
Ollie: "What else did she say?"
Stan: "She told me not to tell ya' she had a surprise."
Ollie: "Well, don't tell me."
Stan: "I won't, I can keep a secret!"
Twice Two -- 1933

Stan is unsuccessfully attempting to free Ollie from a jammed window frame:
Ollie: "What are you doing?"
Stan: "I was looking at the blueprint trying to open the window."
Ollie: "Why, that's a blueprint of the Boulder Dam!"
Busy Bodies -- 1933

Stanio and Ollio have just been relieved of their life savings by a pair of bandits:
Ollio: "There it goes, after all we went through to get it."
Stanio: "Oh well, come easy, go easy, that's what I always say."
Ollio: "What do you mean come easy, go easy? Now we've got to start all over again at the bottom."
Stanio: "Why don't we start at the top?"
Ollio: "What do you mean?"

Ollie: "I'm beginning to think that you're right."
Stan: "You bet your life I'm right...you know, I'm not as dumb as you look."
Their First Mistake--1932

Judge: "You're charged with vagrancy. . .are you guilty or not guilty?"
Ollie: "Not guilty your Highness."
Judge: "On what grounds?"
Stan: "We weren't on the grounds. We were sleeping on a park bench."
Scram--1932

Student: "Oh pardon me, but haven't you come to the wrong college?"
Ollie: "Well this is Oxford isn't it?"
Student: "Yes, but you're dressed for Eaton."
Stan: "Well that's swell. We haven't eaten since breakfast, (to Ollie) have we?"
A Chump at Oxford--1940

Miss Lola: "Tell me. Tell me about my dear, dear daddy. Is it true that he's dead?"
Stan: "Well, we hope he is. . . they buried him."
Lola: "Oh, it can't be. What did he die of?"
Stan: "I think he died of a Tuesday, or was it a Wednesday?"
Way Out West -- 1937

Ollie: "Did you put the advertisement in the paper?"
Stan: "Yeah, and they printed it!"
Ollie (reading ad): "'To whom it may concern' . . .to whom it may concern!"
Stan: "Well, that's so no one else will read it."
Ollie: "'Two young gentlemen who are making a motor trip east would like someone to drive and also pay expenses, like when we came out here. Phone: Maine 489. Sincerely yours, Mr. Laurel and Mr. Hardy. P.S.: Those not interested do not answer.'"
Stan: "What do you think of it?"
Ollie: "It's very nice . . .brief and right to the point!" (throws paper at Stan)
Going Bye-bye! -- 1934

Stan and Ollie are in prison for selling beer during prohibition:
Ollie: "Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!"
Stan: "What do you mean I got you into?"
Ollie: "Well you sold that policeman that bottle of beer didn't you?"
Stan: "I thought he was a streetcar conductor."
Later in the prison school:
Professor Finlayson: "What is a blizzard?"
Stan: "A blizzard?...A blizzard is the inside of a buzzard."
Fin: "hmmm...fresh, huh? How many times does three go into nine?"
Stan: "Three times."
Fin: "Correct."
Stan: "And two left over."
Fin (to Ollie): "What are you laughing at?"
Ollie (snickering): "There's only one left over."
Fin: "D-ohhhh!"
Pardon Us -- 1931

Ollie: "What are you trying to do?"
Stan: "I got locked in."
Ollie: "Well, why didn't you tell me it was you?"
Stan: "Well, it was so dark I didn't think you'd hear me."
Pack Up Your Troubles -- 1932

Ollie: "There we were, comfortably settled in jail with one more week to serve. And you had to talk me into breaking out. Just to come on this wild goose chase of yours."
Stan: "Well, I guess we'll have to stow our way back home again. . . go back to the jail and tell the warden we're sorry for all the trouble we put him to and maybe we'll get our old cell back. . . be more comfortable to be there than. . ."
Ollie: " Why if we went back there that warden would give us life, for escaping."
Stan: "Well we could go to another jail where the warden didn't know us, serve our week and nobody'd be any the wiser. Pay our debt to society and then we wouldn't have to worry a bit."
Ollie: "Why if we went to any jail in that state the warden would give us life, in fact he'd hang us!"
Stan: "We could go to another state. You know what we could do? We could go waaay, way out west where they'd never find us."
Ollie: "Out west where?"
Stan: "Oh Philadelphia, Jersey City, any of those places where they have no exposition laws."
Bonnie Scotland -- 1935

Stan is impersonating both the butler, Hives, and the maid, Agnes. Ollie is pretending to be Colonel Wilberforce Buckshot the owner of the mansion they are hiding out in:
Lord Plumtree: "Pardon me, are you any relation to the butler?"
Ollie: "Oh yes, they're twins! You see one was born in Detroit and the other was born in Miami (me-AH-me)."
Lord Plumtree: "I don't quite understand."
Ollie: "Oh, that's alright, neither do they."
Another Fine Mess -- 1930

Ollie: "Well, why did you get two tickets to Chicago when you know that I wanted to spend my honeymoon in Saskatchewan?"
Stan: "Well, the man said that there's no such place as Skwes...Sh...Swush..."
Me and My Pal -- 1933

Mae: "Oh, if there were only some way I could bring him to his senses, make him realize his neglect of me."
Stan: "You know what? I knew a woman once who had a case just like yours. You know what she did? She got a man to make love to her in front of her husband. . ."
Mae: "Would you help me?"
Ollie: "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't."
Mae: "Oh please do and. . . and I'll give you fifty dollars."
Ollie: "Fifty dollars?! How long do you think it would take to make your husband jealous?"
Mae: "Oh, not more than a day."
Ollie: "That's a lot of money for one day."
Stan: "Well, you can do it much cheaper by the week."
Ollie: "Tell me again what happened to the fella who made love to the wife."
Stan: "Well, when the husband found out that the other fella was jealous, he took him in his arms and he gave his wife a lot of money and he kissed the other fella because he made him jealous and. . . and they went out and they all lived happy ever after."
The Fixer Uppers -- 1935

Ollie: "Well, you haven't changed a bit."
Stan: "Neither have you too. If I hadn'ta seen ya I'd never have known ya."
Block-Heads -- 1938

Stan: "Do you mind if I smoke?"
Mae: "I don't care if you burn up!
Chickens Come Home -- 1931

Captain(Walter Long): "Say, how would you fellas like a real job?"
Ollie: "What doing?"
Captain: "Sailing with me on my ship."
Ollie(chuckling): "No sir, thank you, but we don't like the ocean."
Captain: "Why, what's the matter with it?"
Stan: "Well, I heard the ocean's infatuated with sharks."
Ollie: "Not infatuated, he means infuriated."
The Live Ghost--1934

Stan: "If I had any sense I'd walk out on you!"
Ollie: "Well, it's a good thing you don't!"
Stan: "It certainly is!"
Helpmates--1932

Stan and Ollie have come to Switzlerland to sell mouse traps(because of all the cheese there).
Cheese shop owner: "What you are making holes in my floor for?"
Stan: "Well, the mouse has to have some place to get in."
Shop owner: "Oh, maybe so . . .what's that cork for?"
Stan: "That's so the mouse can't get out."
Shop owner: "What you are making another hole in my floor for?"
Ollie: "That's because a mouse never comes out of the same hole twice!"
Swiss Miss--1938